An excerpt

And it’s not like I enjoy any of this. I don’t want my stomach in knots whenever I check my mail or open facebook. I’d rather not notice your name in movie credits, articles, ads, products or lists. I’d rather not think of you, rather not remember you or any of the silly stuff we did. I’d rather not fall to pieces when I feel you have moved on – but I do.
I didn’t choose for you to leave an indelible print in my mental landscape.
I don’t want to think that I may not have even registered in yours.

But according to societal norms, I cannot show that I’m still hung up on you. I have to look like you were nothing but a brief blimp on my radar and that I have moved on.
So I will learn to quietly deal. I will remember the good times without marring them with exaggerations of the bad in my need to quickly forget you.
I will go back to living my life, waking each morning to check off tasks from a list of meaningless errands. Meetings, meals and socializing will fill my days and I will settle back into a routine without you. I will frequent places with loud music and noise that will drown out any thoughts of you. I will drown myself in work, and occasionally, in vodka.
My friends will be pleasantly surprised at how fast I bounced back from the chapter that was you. They will schedule dinners and catch-up dates, we will discuss me, we will discuss them. We will avoid talking about you. They will ask if I am okay, I will answer yes and then at the end of the evening as I walk home, I will suddenly remember something we did together and my eyes will well up with tears for no reason whatsoever.
But, because I am a strong independent woman, because I’m expected to be hardcore, because a man I hardly know should not turn me into a blubbering seventeen year old, I will push back the tears, force a smile, and keep walking. I will pretend everything is fine and make myself believe that we never were. Because this is what an "intelligent" woman would do. Because this is the sensible option. Because this is what moving on is all about.

The world apparently ends tomorrow

One more day of screening for the sound engineer position.
Being this busy again makes everything that came before it seem like a dream. I'm back in the real world of deadlines, speed, efficiency and ulcers.
I stepped back into the working world with a plan. No more days spent dicking around on facebook, feigning productivity by editing pet projects once a week. The plan was to get productive, learn a skill and get financially independent again.

not all plans work out the way you want.

Stuff it with meaning

Two weeks.
Maybe that's all we get, two weeks.
Two weeks of sun, sand, sea and sky.
A mojito here, a puka beach sunset there, and it is over.
But who am I to complain, two weeks is more than what some people ever get.
In as much as I'd like to go into the literal sense of it all, I'm thinking boring you with the specifics at this ungodly hour would do neither of us any good.
So I'm going back to bed now.
I'll get back to you when I've figured out all the characters in my head.
Chances are I won't.
Two weeks isn't much time to get to know why people do what they do. Then again, two weeks should be more than enough.

Oh Jaeger...

Never have Jaegermeister shots the evening before an early skimboarding class.
'Nuff said.

A death in the family

My dog HiGuy died today. And guess what, I cried more for him than I did for my Aunt Mary. Have I just reached a new low? Or am I just emotionally constipated???

the merry month of May...

The merry month of May indeed.
My thoughts have been dark and nihilistic lately. Which is ironic, since I really don't have that much to complain about. I could complain about not having a steady gig or a decent paycheck, but that's really a bit of my fault.
I blamed the dark thoughts on PMS - but then that should've been over a week ago.

It seems like everybody around me is a disappointment lately. Maybe I'm the disappointment.
I'm a little confused right now. Must be the darkness again.

Goodbye February

I think I've found the upside to my current gig.
more on this later.

February is over...that was fast.