The irony has hit me that while my life has slowed down to a routine of cable TV, three square meals a day and bumhood, the rest of the world has seemed to speed up to cram the last week of the year with world shattering events in a bid to make 2007 truly unforgettable. Elections in African countries cause death and unrest, an assination occurs in Pakistan, a French PM takes his model girlfriend to Luxor for the holidays and the British Queen surpasses her grandmother's reign.
I'm trying to figure out how to lose ten pounds. Kidding. Make it fifteen.
My being shallow and flippant isn't going to help world affairs - or will it? A lighter me would mean a happier healthier me which would in turn mean me being unnaturally high and nice to family and neighbors, which could lead to them being nicer to other people they bump into at work and school which could lead to someone...oh forget it. I'm sticking to the small picture for the mean time.
This whole temporary bumhood gig isn't that bad - my financial and social vulnerability has made me re-assess things. Mostly to do with my place in the grand scheme of things - mostly during the next six months. The general plan is to lie low, be productive, earn some moolah, learn some new things and hopefully gain momentum for the second half of the year. Lets hope that general outline works. Or its back to the drawing board and finding inspiration in Coyote and the Roadrunner.
Here's to an interesting year ahead. Cheers.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry After Christmas.
It being Christmas I really should be cheerful and bubbly....and singing songs that are joyful and triumphant. After being exposed to the world of our local MariMar and Christmas eve testimonials, I'm actually inclined towards complaining about the Pinoy's penchant for being melodramatic but I feel I may get virtually lynched on the net.
Disclaimer: I realize now that cringing at those church testimonials was insensitive and that those people who stood up to talk were really having hard times and that working abroad and being away from family was their equivalent of a really bad shift bid...so I'm not laughing at it or ranting about it. I say, good for them getting their feelings out there in front of the congregation and I hope they have a better bid in the coming months.
On a totally different thread, anyone who has been stuck on an awfully long plane trip with very small airbus seats knows how bad it can be - you're so uncomfortable you can't fall asleep but you're so tired all you want to do is abduct someone from first class and take their seat. Thank heavens for the film I found. It was a Zoe Cassavetes film entitled Broken English. It isn't the mainstream kind of blockbuster - which is a shame only because not that many people will get to watch and appreciate the genius and honesty of it. In a nutshell, it challenges our misconceptions about freedom, independence, the pressure to be married or in a relationship by a certain age and about the lead actor striving to just figure out how to love herself more - regardless of the idiots that come in and out of her life (who sort of break her down).
Its not a cute romantic comedy. Which is what makes it so different and authentic. If you liked Before Sunset then you'll get this. Its slower and less chirpy but so in a league of its own.
Just watch it. You'll figure out why its so great.
Disclaimer: I realize now that cringing at those church testimonials was insensitive and that those people who stood up to talk were really having hard times and that working abroad and being away from family was their equivalent of a really bad shift bid...so I'm not laughing at it or ranting about it. I say, good for them getting their feelings out there in front of the congregation and I hope they have a better bid in the coming months.
On a totally different thread, anyone who has been stuck on an awfully long plane trip with very small airbus seats knows how bad it can be - you're so uncomfortable you can't fall asleep but you're so tired all you want to do is abduct someone from first class and take their seat. Thank heavens for the film I found. It was a Zoe Cassavetes film entitled Broken English. It isn't the mainstream kind of blockbuster - which is a shame only because not that many people will get to watch and appreciate the genius and honesty of it. In a nutshell, it challenges our misconceptions about freedom, independence, the pressure to be married or in a relationship by a certain age and about the lead actor striving to just figure out how to love herself more - regardless of the idiots that come in and out of her life (who sort of break her down).
Its not a cute romantic comedy. Which is what makes it so different and authentic. If you liked Before Sunset then you'll get this. Its slower and less chirpy but so in a league of its own.
Just watch it. You'll figure out why its so great.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
standstill
It is thirty days before Christmas.
It is thirty-seven days before the year 2008.
It is my first day of being a bum.
It is the first day of the rest of my life. Why am I not moving?
It is thirty-seven days before the year 2008.
It is my first day of being a bum.
It is the first day of the rest of my life. Why am I not moving?
family vaults
My brother has taught me the value of being an emotional vault.
Impenetrable silence is what he exhibits even while being being screamed at, pleaded with or threatened. The fact that he can refrain from crying under almost all circumstances makes it all the more heartbreaking when you do see him break.
I don't know if I've stopped crying because I've been pushed past the point of jaded or if its because I have very close reference material to emulate.
Impenetrable silence is what he exhibits even while being being screamed at, pleaded with or threatened. The fact that he can refrain from crying under almost all circumstances makes it all the more heartbreaking when you do see him break.
I don't know if I've stopped crying because I've been pushed past the point of jaded or if its because I have very close reference material to emulate.
Monday, November 19, 2007
And the lessons keep coming
At twenty-eight I learned the value of an insult well hurled. And I learned that it hurt double when it was from someone you looked up to and couldn't really fault.
And then I learned to hurl back.
And then I learned to hurl back.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Scorpios aren't dense
My mother once said that she chose my father because there was no need to explain her self to him. He understood every nuance, every sigh, every arch of the eyebrow even. I’d like to think that he even understood her silences.
My father and my friend BlooferLady are both Scorpios. They are also both very perceptive. I’m not sure if it’s a trait all members of this zodiac sign have but they have the sensitivity chip working when everyone else is swimming in a dense haze of callousness. They seem to understand pain. And forgive you for disappearing on them when they realize the pain is so acute you cannot speak. They know you'd rather not feel, but that it somehow cannot be helped.
Contrary to what she’s always telling me – she isn’t as dense as she makes herself out to be.
So here’s a toast to you BlooferLady – for the toasts I missed out on this morning, and because I didn’t need to explain my sudden deaf-mute situation.
If it weren’t cheesy I’d probably tell you that it was the kindest thing you did letting me go, and that I love you for it.
May this year bring you the happiness we all seek.
My father and my friend BlooferLady are both Scorpios. They are also both very perceptive. I’m not sure if it’s a trait all members of this zodiac sign have but they have the sensitivity chip working when everyone else is swimming in a dense haze of callousness. They seem to understand pain. And forgive you for disappearing on them when they realize the pain is so acute you cannot speak. They know you'd rather not feel, but that it somehow cannot be helped.
Contrary to what she’s always telling me – she isn’t as dense as she makes herself out to be.
So here’s a toast to you BlooferLady – for the toasts I missed out on this morning, and because I didn’t need to explain my sudden deaf-mute situation.
If it weren’t cheesy I’d probably tell you that it was the kindest thing you did letting me go, and that I love you for it.
May this year bring you the happiness we all seek.
Monday, October 22, 2007
There's the Rub
I am sitting at a local coffee joint contemplating the one month’s notice I am to give my boss tomorrow and reading the opinions section of the Inquirer when I realize I have no idea what I am going to do next.The general plan is to write. But here I am reading Conrado de Quiros and Manuel L. Quezon III. Guys who can write. Guys who can spout commentary like it was the easiest thing to do.
What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t a writer! I had absolutely no background training and the only thing I could boast of so far was being editor of the company fluff publication and having satisfactory grammar. De Quiros is a writer. He’d been writing for the Inquirer for as long as I could remember and was a master of pointing out the obvious, the ironic and the hilarious in contemporary society. I can’t even find the right words to describe and give justice to his writing (Mr. de Quiros, if you ever get to read this, am terribly sorry for the lack of better words used to describe your writing style – all the SMBs I have downed have left me partially brain dead), let alone write my own crap in as searing and coherent a manner.I always thought one day I’d wake up and know what it was that I was meant to do. I’ve been more or less lost for the past decade, but three weeks ago I thought that I finally knew what it was I could do. And I was cocky enough to think that now that I knew, and now that I had the balls to actually drop everything and give it a go, that everything would just fall into place.
Life apparently doesn’t work that way. You know how everyone says follow your dream and the universe will conspire to help you out and all that? Well, I’ve got news for you, the figuring out what it is you want to do is one thing, the making it happen is quite another. True, there are gifted individuals out there for whom innate talent has been an express ticket to glory and success. But what of the rest of us who know that, given enough time to practice and learn, they can be good, but aren’t sure that they can ever measure up to greatness? Not the greatness they aspire to anyway.What happens when one has no idea what the next step is? When one’s own parents are supportive but never really believed you could really write either? How does one go from dreamer to sought after writer?I feel a wood beetle moment coming up. I am tempted to start banging my head against the wood paneling to my right (I was once told that when agitated, wood beetles bang their heads against wood) but am afraid I will disturb the other patrons and that the barista will ask me to leave and possibly never return.I have no good ending to this piece, except that I will endeavor not to make a scene and get thrown out of the café. And although I am scared shitless, I will give this writing gig a try. I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.
What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t a writer! I had absolutely no background training and the only thing I could boast of so far was being editor of the company fluff publication and having satisfactory grammar. De Quiros is a writer. He’d been writing for the Inquirer for as long as I could remember and was a master of pointing out the obvious, the ironic and the hilarious in contemporary society. I can’t even find the right words to describe and give justice to his writing (Mr. de Quiros, if you ever get to read this, am terribly sorry for the lack of better words used to describe your writing style – all the SMBs I have downed have left me partially brain dead), let alone write my own crap in as searing and coherent a manner.I always thought one day I’d wake up and know what it was that I was meant to do. I’ve been more or less lost for the past decade, but three weeks ago I thought that I finally knew what it was I could do. And I was cocky enough to think that now that I knew, and now that I had the balls to actually drop everything and give it a go, that everything would just fall into place.
Life apparently doesn’t work that way. You know how everyone says follow your dream and the universe will conspire to help you out and all that? Well, I’ve got news for you, the figuring out what it is you want to do is one thing, the making it happen is quite another. True, there are gifted individuals out there for whom innate talent has been an express ticket to glory and success. But what of the rest of us who know that, given enough time to practice and learn, they can be good, but aren’t sure that they can ever measure up to greatness? Not the greatness they aspire to anyway.What happens when one has no idea what the next step is? When one’s own parents are supportive but never really believed you could really write either? How does one go from dreamer to sought after writer?I feel a wood beetle moment coming up. I am tempted to start banging my head against the wood paneling to my right (I was once told that when agitated, wood beetles bang their heads against wood) but am afraid I will disturb the other patrons and that the barista will ask me to leave and possibly never return.I have no good ending to this piece, except that I will endeavor not to make a scene and get thrown out of the café. And although I am scared shitless, I will give this writing gig a try. I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.
When it rains...
When you’re down by ten points and it’s the last two minutes of the game, the last thing you want, is to lose because you were too darn lazy to make a last ditch effort to at least lessen the gap.
That first paragraph has nothing to do with what’s coming next. Just felt I had to put it in.
That first paragraph has nothing to do with what’s coming next. Just felt I had to put it in.
You must have heard the sayings “when it rains, it pours” and “these things come in three’s” or perhaps “it gets worse before it can get better”.
The amazing thing about having a crap week where things just seem to go from bad to worse is that God, in the midst of the chaos, still remembers to throw you a lifesaver.
And I do believe it is a higher power that is saving me from losing it. I’m not a religious person by any standards but how else can one explain me still going out and being surrounded by support people and activities to take my mind off things.
I'm not losing it because of all the people out there who are my family - we may not be blood but you sure treat me better than some family. You know who you are. You guys are the best.
The conservative party
If, like me, you belong to a traditional Catholic family, it would be best to remember that when feeling verbally flippant in the middle of some life changing decision you should avoid mentioning the words alcohol and trouble at the same time to your conservative elders.
Having recently (and stupidly) sent an email to my Aunt (who is a Marisian Nun by the way) about possibly drowning myself in vodka, I have realized just how big a generation gap can be.
Hey, I was feeling sorry for myself and an email from her asking how I was flashed onscreen. So sue me.
She immediately forwarded the message to my Father adding that she was praying that I didn't "do anything foolish". My father then went on to barrage me with phone calls that I failed to answer and emails instructing me how to get a visa. Although touched, I also realized how futile it would be to try explaining to her how my current lifestyle involved copious amounts of alcohol on an almost daily basis and more when I was "troubled". To even mention that I occasionally smoked when stressed would definitely send her over the edge.
Thus my new resolution - when in trouble, unload to your girlfriends first, until the world has stopped spinning.
You can then go on to inform your family and Aunts about your new life changing decisions and why you are making them - without involving the words Alcohol, Men, Work and Trouble. This will greatly benefit you by way of fewer hospitalization bills for the folks and less drama from your immediate clan. This way you've exorcised your need to let your family know about your impending state of bum-hood without necessarily filling them in with all the gory details.
Having recently (and stupidly) sent an email to my Aunt (who is a Marisian Nun by the way) about possibly drowning myself in vodka, I have realized just how big a generation gap can be.
Hey, I was feeling sorry for myself and an email from her asking how I was flashed onscreen. So sue me.
She immediately forwarded the message to my Father adding that she was praying that I didn't "do anything foolish". My father then went on to barrage me with phone calls that I failed to answer and emails instructing me how to get a visa. Although touched, I also realized how futile it would be to try explaining to her how my current lifestyle involved copious amounts of alcohol on an almost daily basis and more when I was "troubled". To even mention that I occasionally smoked when stressed would definitely send her over the edge.
Thus my new resolution - when in trouble, unload to your girlfriends first, until the world has stopped spinning.
You can then go on to inform your family and Aunts about your new life changing decisions and why you are making them - without involving the words Alcohol, Men, Work and Trouble. This will greatly benefit you by way of fewer hospitalization bills for the folks and less drama from your immediate clan. This way you've exorcised your need to let your family know about your impending state of bum-hood without necessarily filling them in with all the gory details.
The charmings win
written months ago under the influence...
Maybe if I prayed more. Maybe if I went to Church weekly and said grace before meals. Maybe if I smiled and waved to the unassuming crowds more. If I stuck my nose into every conversation and made like I knew everyone and was incredibly funny. Maybe if I were more Charming-like…
Having to sit through another Charming gathering is unthinkable. Yet it was something I had to do. Like they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Have I lost you? Allow me to explain.
I have come to the conclusion that some couples are charmed....although individually.... both are flawed. And bring out my gag reflex.
I’m finding it hard to continue this…and I think that’s a good sign. It means I’m just not fired up enough and the subject matter somehow isn’t as affecting as I perceive it to be.
Who is princess charming anyway???? Does she pay my rent? And since when was stating that the sky was blue funny???? haha...It was so funny I forgot to laugh. Yes I'm bitter dammit. Leave it alone.
As to prince charming….well, he’s screwed up enough in the past, why think him redeemable? He is just a regular guy with the charming shoved in for heaven’s sake!!!!!
Maybe if I prayed more. Maybe if I went to Church weekly and said grace before meals. Maybe if I smiled and waved to the unassuming crowds more. If I stuck my nose into every conversation and made like I knew everyone and was incredibly funny. Maybe if I were more Charming-like…
Having to sit through another Charming gathering is unthinkable. Yet it was something I had to do. Like they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Have I lost you? Allow me to explain.
I have come to the conclusion that some couples are charmed....although individually.... both are flawed. And bring out my gag reflex.
I’m finding it hard to continue this…and I think that’s a good sign. It means I’m just not fired up enough and the subject matter somehow isn’t as affecting as I perceive it to be.
Who is princess charming anyway???? Does she pay my rent? And since when was stating that the sky was blue funny???? haha...It was so funny I forgot to laugh. Yes I'm bitter dammit. Leave it alone.
As to prince charming….well, he’s screwed up enough in the past, why think him redeemable? He is just a regular guy with the charming shoved in for heaven’s sake!!!!!
Don't tempt fate
“You know I’m such a fool for you. You’ve got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to it linger?” – The Cranberries
You know how they always say not to tempt fate with what you say? I think fate was up and awake and tuned in to my thoughts when I decided on the stupid route of stagnating everything in my life for someone who didn’t give a shit about me. Until this happens, I thought smugly, I’m staying put.
Fate thought it was hilarious so she slapped me with “this happens” and sat back to see what I would do.
Don’t tempt fate kids. She has a ways and means committee out there. And they read instructions so well you’d have sworn the exact scenario in your head was how it played out in real life.
You know how they always say not to tempt fate with what you say? I think fate was up and awake and tuned in to my thoughts when I decided on the stupid route of stagnating everything in my life for someone who didn’t give a shit about me. Until this happens, I thought smugly, I’m staying put.
Fate thought it was hilarious so she slapped me with “this happens” and sat back to see what I would do.
Don’t tempt fate kids. She has a ways and means committee out there. And they read instructions so well you’d have sworn the exact scenario in your head was how it played out in real life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)