We make excuses for ourselves

As soon as we utter any defeatist words, we justify why it is that we aren’t where we want to be.

I had to hear a friend tell me that I was making excuses for myself. It was true. It dawned on me that saying an apparently innocent phrase like “it’s a male dominated industry and it’s harder for women to get the jobs they want and succeed” was actually me setting myself up for failure AND justifying it in advance.

Never enter a battle defeated.

Although I had heard it before, it took another reminder from a good friend for me to re-drill this simple concept into my consciousness. Don’t step up to bat thinking that you’ve already lost – because you ultimately will, if you keep thinking this way. On the other hand, you start with a winning attitude and whether things work out the way you like or totally go bust, you still would’ve won by virtue of your positive outlook and the experience you can charge it to. It’s not rocket science.

Seconds anyone?

there's a certain security to always being second choice. really, there is. I guess my current state of inebriated idiocy dictates that which makes no sense in the logical world of daylight. but I still have to say it (or rather type it at 4am): being somebody's second choice just means that they were scared shitless of your independence, your free spirit and your life.
people want subservience, adulation and security.
they fall in love with you for your ability to run with the wind...but choose someone else when they realize that they cannot tame you.
that's all there is to it. don't feel bad that you haven't been tied down yet. know that someone will come along - someone who will be worthy to run alongside you, and not in front of or behind you.

Guide back to apathy

1. When feeling unlovable, ugly and insignificant - call up a friend:
Literal lifelines are what they are during these times. They will remind you that you are allowed to wallow in your mudhole of self-pity but that you are still beautiful, worthy of proper love and one helluva catch that the miserable loser, whoever he is, allowed to get away.
2. When emotions threaten to drown your capacity for flippant apathy:
Put down the menthols, stop the hunger strike and take a swig of that Jack Daniels bottle next to you. Dying of malnutrition will not help you get back into the swing of things. Numbing the memory cells though, will help you live through a few more hours of undefinable pain.
3. When all else fails and your emotions refuse to disappear:
Allow yourself to be an attention whore. Give it an hour or two. You will soon tire of it - trust me. And with boredom comes apathy.

Di na natuto...

"nahihirapan na
lalapit-lapit pa di na natuto
isang ngiti mo lang
at ako'y napapaamo" - Gary Valenciano
Squinted into the sea, had no idea I would be
back where I had started.
Location scouting while my soul wasn't into it. But it kept me busy.

Don't think. Walk. Don't let those tears fall. Smile. Don't stop swimming.

Apathy is key...or is it?

Why am I so fucking distant? Why do I insist on walking around in a state of semi-comatose apathy?
Because I am bracing myself from the idiocy of faux art, the inflated ego of too much genius and any more stumbles and falls directly proportional to deadly casanovas.
Because I'm afraid of getting too attached to anything and anyone here.

I think I have subconsciously decided to limit the show of emotion in general due to the extreme swings in fortune from last term. Not sure it's the smartest thing to do but, oh well...que sera sera. Ker blah, ker blah.

I am a diplomatic zombie in hippie outfits. I walk, talk and smile to an Eheads beat.
I am a pseudo-organized producer who thinks you should maybe all just fuck yourselves for hating the job.
I am a girl scared shitless of falling for you all over again.
I am Aerosmith's j-j-jaded evil little goth in the pink t-shirt and white chucks.
I am buddha without the peace and moses without the faith.